Being Object Dense You

Relations to the body and mind. This is my music video collection 

The Chemical Brothers ft Beck Wide Open

"Impressive Visual Art" 

Extremely technical, showing our form as a hollow case. I was shown this video by my Dad around a week ago and I was in awe at the special effects, how the connections between the background and placement of clothing aligned so well within the environment. Put a dancer in a warehouse, let them take there place. Then add the trick that makes her 'wide open'. You've now got a simple but detailed, rich piece of art.

Beyoncé Rocket

"This song gives me such chills just because of those harmonies"

"I wonder how many babies were made after hearing this"

Full of sexual signs, innuendos and saucy imagery. I first witnessed this video nearing the end of my second year of college, I instantly feel in love with the cinematography, I find it empowering.

Tom Rosenthal Fine One Day 

A journey of two people. Different train of thoughts. A story of two people fixated together in their own little world (due to the colour co-ordinated outfits and the Overall for me it's a positive song showing that people can sadly part ways. At the start of a relationship we can become so fixated on ourselves as two, that we forget about our surrounding. We don't notice what anyone else is doing, it's like wearing rose tinted glasses. Just a matter of time until someone takes them off.

Nick Jonas Teacher

Using the body as a tool to express the song lyric in rhythm.

Jack Garratt Surprise Yourself 

Bear's Den Above The Clouds Of Pompeii 

Beyoncé Ghost

Belle & Sebastian Perfect Couples

Slow Club Two Cousins

Oh Wonder Lose It 

The Silver Squasher

A couple of weeks ago

As I sat down in the living room one evening with Dad, I turned on the TV.

As soon as I turned it on, it lay on BBC Two.

The programme titled 'Imagine... Summer 2016: 2. DANGER! Cornelia Parker' appeared

I didn't know what the programme was about at first but I quickly became intrigued.

Cornelia Parker, her name ran a bell. It wasn't until one of her pieces popped up on screen, I finally knew who she was and what she's created.

'Cold Dark Matter: An Explosive View: 1991'

I first came across this during my time in college. I guess this subconsciously helped navigate my interest towards the art I'm interested in today, art that submerges into their environment. I love how it spreads out touching all four walls including ceiling and floor, it has no end or beginning and although the piece fills the room, the viewer is still able to explore throughout. This is what I love, being able to connect and emerge your body into a piece of art.  

BBC iPlayer: Cornelia Parker

I advise anyone who's interested in the use of space and found objects, to watch this programme.

'Brilliant Ideas: Sculptor and Artist Cornelia Parker'

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Site & Context & Place

Limbo

An uncertain period of awaiting a decision or resolution; an intermediate state or condition.

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I feel lost 

"It's a part of your life that's going to be tarnished" Mum 19:59/ Wednesday 3rd August

I feel like I'm out on a limbo

Like I'm waiting for something, something that I don't know

I'm waiting for the unknown, what does the unknown look like? 

Is it clean and pure?

Is it dense and dirty?

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Personally, I relate the unknown to a blank piece of white paper.

I think of it's purity, it's openness to change and possibilities. 

A blank piece of white paper has so many possibilities.

It can be the start of a brilliant idea.

A heart filled letter.

I feel like a blank piece of white paper gets us back to basics.

To the start.

Where we belong.

A blank piece of paper doesn't hold many memories.

Many feelings.

It's a beginning.

A fresh start.

Freshly made but easily dirtied.

A blank piece of white paper holds power.

Possibility.

Every sketchbook I've owned, once started out as a blank piece of white paper.

Now.

I've nurtured it into something my own.

Something that now has a hold on me.

Something that now carries my past. 

"Things are in motion, unfortunately things take time" Dad 21:17/ Wednesday 3rd August

"She painted a really bleak picture" Dad 21:31/ Wednesday 3rd August

A blank piece of white paper can be positioned at the start of a book or the end of a book.

Therefore it's represents both sides.

Beginning and End. 

Which puts me on edge 

Things can go either way.

It puts me bang in the middle.

It puts me in limbo. 

It makes me walk a tight rope. 

Able to fall any second.

Things aren't certain. 

Or set in stone.

I don't know what to feel anymore.

It's the

'The Unknown Life'

A blank piece of white paper is just a blank piece of white paper, it's up to you what meaning you give it.

You create the meaning, you are in charge of a blank piece of white paper.

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Pinterest has been an excellent source of inspiration for me, within my Site & Place & Context I've been inspired by simplicity. Pieces of wok that don't have an upfront meaning. The meaning doesn't come from the piece of art, the meaning comes from the individual looking at the piece of art. This is important to me.

'Alan Reynolds'

'Alan Reynolds'

'Recap “(de)Constructions” Group Exhibition at Backslash Gallery'

'Galleriurbane' 

'Portals, first phase...the journey of a thousand miles begins with the first steps...time to take them, let us adorn you for it! #beagoddess'

'Alan Reynolds'

'Lesley-Foxcroft'

'Lesley-Foxcroft'

'Jumpei Kinoshita'

'Loris Cecchini - Extruding Bodies - Gaps (books I), 2005 polyester, wall paint'

'And the night smells like snow. Walking home for a moment you almost believe you could start again. And an intense love rushes to your heart, and hope. It’s unendurable, unendurable. ― Franz Wright, closing lines to “Night Walk” from God’s Silence.' 

 'Wall mounted lighting fixture by PSLAB.'

'Herman de Vries: "Ruimtelijke toevals-structuur", 1965 (Rekonstruktion 2011–2014)'

'LFontana (1899 - 1968), Concetto spaziale, Attesa'

Moving

Within our process of moving, I was intrigued by the act of packing, securing away our possessions. 

Wrapping them in another layer, no longer exposed and seen for what it is.

It's protected, for it's next shift.

I was wrapping objects, preparing them, taking them away from there usual space.

Waiting for it's transaction, into it's new unknown environment.

It may be the most expensive chair/ piece of furniture you own but it still it gets wrapped up in cheap newspaper, bubble wrap and string.

It's true self is hidden, it takes on a new identity, it may be down grading but it's a layer of protection.

Could this relate to us as well? 

'Christo. Packed Arm Chair, 1965'

'Walead Besthy | FedEx® Large Kraft Box ©2005 FEDEX 330508 REV 10/05 SSCC, International Priority, Los Angeles–Brussels trk#865282057953, October 27–30, 2008, International Priority, Brussels–Los Angeles trk#866071746385, December 8–9, 2008 | 2008 | Laminated glass, FedEx shipping box, accrued FedEx shipping and tracking labels, silicone, metal, tape'

What value does this have? 

It holds the Apple logo, therefore it is a product of the company

But it's also a cardboard box 

This makes me think of frames

We place things into frames for protective 

But unlike cardboard boxes, newspaper and bubble wrap 

Frames make the object more valuable 

'Doris Salcedo'

'Funny Brick Chair - Chair Blog'

'David Hammons at L & M'

'Christo & Jeanne-Claude'

'Another Doris Salcedo Chair embedded in concrete'

'David Hammons Untitled, 2010 mixed media 108 x 84 inches'

'Joseph Beuys, 1966, piano covered with felt and leather'

I Never Thought

I want this space to be a place for me to express myself fully, for I believe that it's the core of creativity. Anything and everything that happens in my life, good or bad, influences my outlook on my practice.

My life creates my work

Even though this isn't sometime I want to overthink, it's something that's within me and it's something that I need to be aware of. I need an outlet.

I never thought this would be happening.

It is currently 17:08 on Friday 29th July 2016. I'm sitting on the floor of my bedroom in our home. It will mark out our first month anniversary of living here in two days. 

July has been the shittiest month of my life. On my part it's been full of intense anxiety, hair pulling, wrist bitting, fear of moving/walking, hysterical tears in the bath, shower and bed. Full stomach's, chest pains, tight closing throat, a realistic feeling of suffocation. Uneasy nights, fear of doing anything. The feeling of giving up.

Within this month my mum was scheduled to go in for a hysterectomy. As my dad took her to the hospital, I lay outside in the humid heat of the hottest day this year, waiting for our little blue car to come home. I spent most of the day sitting in the sun at the top of the stairs, looking out into the forrest of trees, until I saw him arrive back home. As my dad was walking up the stairs I asked him how it went. By the look on his face I could tell somethings went wrong. He told me that they didn't go on with the operation. We went into the livingroom and he told me. The surgeons couldn't go on with the operation as they found a tumour in my mum's womb. I instantly felt numb with tears.

We went back to the hospital to talk with the consultant around 04:00pm. To me, seeing my mum wearing a hospital gown made her look fragile. It angered me how another human being can determine another human beings live expectancy. I've never experienced something so numbing like this. As I sat in the chair, while she was telling us about what's happened, drawing little diagrams, I felt like I was part of a game, this definitely wasn't our life we were living, there's no way it could be. 

She kept stating that you should live for today, and expect the worst but be positive. This frustrated me, the thing that hurt me that most was her stating to me that I should be looking after my mum now. I felt she was patronizing. That day my mum got a couple biopsies taking and we'll be receiving the results in two weeks time. 

As the meeting came to an end she left us be in the room. I felt like I was looking down onto someone else's life. Dad and mum cried together. We all comforted each other but for some reason I felt like I couldn't cry. As I was leaving the room, mum in front, dad in the middle and me at the back. I fell against the door in tears, not able to move. That evening we were told to go outside an enjoy the rest of the beautiful weather. We ended up sitting by the loch in Lindean. We sat there talking, phoning people and admiring the view. The night was absolutely beautiful, the water was calm and the environment was quiet. A severe contrast to how we were feeling. I however still brought out my cameras. 

My mum and dad have never been one for showing public displays of affection but within this night, I was able to capture this rare moment. For the past year I've been loving taking photographs of hands intwined with one another but by far this is my favourite, it's the most connected I've felt to a photograph.

"Lets go for a walk around the Loch before we head back" Mum said. 

Mum and dad ended up walking together without me as I was trailing behind taking more photographs of the lovely night. 

As a family, we are small. We only have each other in the grand scheme of things. The next day Claire and Jamie travelled up from Caythorpe and London. The last time we were all together as a family was back in 2014. I can't remember exactly how many days they stayed for but within those days I haven't felt happier. Jamie somehow knows how to make me smile. One day we went out for a walk together down to the nearby cafe, just outside of our house, we came in contact with Helen and Norman, long time family friends. They tagged along with us. Jamie and I were trailing at the back giggling and taking photos of each other and our surroundings.

"It takes something serious to happen to get together" An on going joke but truthful quote.



Yesterday my mum got her results. I decided to stay at home as I felt I couldn't face seeing the woman again. I stayed in bed until I heard a knock at the door. Through the glazed glass my dad was looking downwards. I opened the door to see him and Claire red eyed. Dad and I ended up going through to the living room. He told me that this aren't looking good. I was told that my mum has cancer again, this time incurable. The tumour is rare, aggressive and spreading. 

I feel like everything is on the line just now
Im walking a tight rope, about to fall any moment
I don't know what to do
I don't know what to say 


A part of me is saying 

I don't want to do anything anymore
I can't do anything to change it 
I feel like I can't be happy
I don't feel free anymore
I'm scared for the future 
I'm scared to leave home again 
I'm scared how things will be
I'm not going to cope
I don't want to go back to Glasgow
Things will get worse
I'll not be able to pass my course 
I can't fend for myself feeling like this
I'm worried about my dad
He'll be lonely
I'll feel guilty being up in Glasgow 
My mum won't be able to see me grow up
graduate
hopefully have a family
be a grandparent
comfort me when I need her the most

Another part of me says

TAKE EVERYDAY AS IT COMES
EVEN EVER MINUTE, HALF HOUR, HOUR.. JUST STAY PRESENT!
THINGS ARE HARD
THINGS WILL GET HARDER
BUT
I AM STRONG 
WE ARE STRONG AS A FAMILY
EVENTUALLY THINGS WILL GET BETTER
PEOPLE ARE DOING THEIR BEST  
YOU'RE NOT ALONE 


Within this so far, I've learnt that nothing is certain, nothing in life is guaranteed

We think too much about the future and too little about the now

Appreciate everything, everything you have

There's always good within your life 

Reasons To Stay Alive By Matt Haig

Reasons to stay alive

1. "You are on another planet. No one understands what you are going through. But actually, they do. You don't think you do because the only reference point is yourself. You have never felt this way before, and the shock of the descent is traumatising you, but others have been here. You are in a dark, dark land with a population of millions."

2. "Things aren't going to get worse. You want to kill yourself. That is as low as it gets. There is only upwards from here."

3. "You hate yourself. That is because you are sensitive. Pretty much every human could find a reason to hate themselves of they thought about it as much as you did. We're all total bastards, us humans, but also totally wonderful."

4. "So what, you have a label? 'Depressive'. Everyone would have a label if the asked the right professional."

5. "That feeling you have, that everything is going to get worse, is just a symptom."

6. "Minds have there own weather systems. You are in a hurricane. Hurricanes run out of energy eventually. Hold on." 

7. "Ignore stigma. Every illness had stigma once. We fear getting ill, and fear tends to lead to prejudice before information. Polio used to be erroneously blamed on poor people, for instance. And depression is often seen as a 'weakness' or personality failing."

8. "Nothing lasts forever. This pain won't last. The pain tells you it will last. Pain lies. Ignore it. Pain is a debt paid off by time." 

9. "Minds move. Personalities shift. To quote myself, from The Humans: 'Your mind is a galaxy. More dark than light. But the light makes it worthwhile. Which is to say, don't kill yourself. Even when the darkness is total.  Always know that life is not still. Time is space. You are moving through that galaxy. Wait for the stars.'."

10. "You will one day experience joy that matches this pain. You will cry euphoric tears at the Beach Boys, you will stare down at a baby's face as she lies asleep in your lap, you will make great friends, you will eat delicious food you haven't tried yet, you will be able to look at a view from a high place and not assess the likelihood of dying from falling. There are books you haven't read yet that will enrich you, films you will watch while eating extra-large buckets of popcorn, and you will dance and laugh and have sex and go for runs by the river and hate late-night conversations and laugh until it hurts. Life is waiting for you. You might be stuck here for a while, but the world isn't going anywhere. Hang on in there if you can. Life is always worth it." 

Matt Haig

I urgently recommend this book to anyone 

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Before I read the book I watched this video by one of my favourite Youtube creators

Will Darbyshire

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