I Never Thought

I want this space to be a place for me to express myself fully, for I believe that it's the core of creativity. Anything and everything that happens in my life, good or bad, influences my outlook on my practice.

My life creates my work

Even though this isn't sometime I want to overthink, it's something that's within me and it's something that I need to be aware of. I need an outlet.

I never thought this would be happening.

It is currently 17:08 on Friday 29th July 2016. I'm sitting on the floor of my bedroom in our home. It will mark out our first month anniversary of living here in two days. 

July has been the shittiest month of my life. On my part it's been full of intense anxiety, hair pulling, wrist bitting, fear of moving/walking, hysterical tears in the bath, shower and bed. Full stomach's, chest pains, tight closing throat, a realistic feeling of suffocation. Uneasy nights, fear of doing anything. The feeling of giving up.

Within this month my mum was scheduled to go in for a hysterectomy. As my dad took her to the hospital, I lay outside in the humid heat of the hottest day this year, waiting for our little blue car to come home. I spent most of the day sitting in the sun at the top of the stairs, looking out into the forrest of trees, until I saw him arrive back home. As my dad was walking up the stairs I asked him how it went. By the look on his face I could tell somethings went wrong. He told me that they didn't go on with the operation. We went into the livingroom and he told me. The surgeons couldn't go on with the operation as they found a tumour in my mum's womb. I instantly felt numb with tears.

We went back to the hospital to talk with the consultant around 04:00pm. To me, seeing my mum wearing a hospital gown made her look fragile. It angered me how another human being can determine another human beings live expectancy. I've never experienced something so numbing like this. As I sat in the chair, while she was telling us about what's happened, drawing little diagrams, I felt like I was part of a game, this definitely wasn't our life we were living, there's no way it could be. 

She kept stating that you should live for today, and expect the worst but be positive. This frustrated me, the thing that hurt me that most was her stating to me that I should be looking after my mum now. I felt she was patronizing. That day my mum got a couple biopsies taking and we'll be receiving the results in two weeks time. 

As the meeting came to an end she left us be in the room. I felt like I was looking down onto someone else's life. Dad and mum cried together. We all comforted each other but for some reason I felt like I couldn't cry. As I was leaving the room, mum in front, dad in the middle and me at the back. I fell against the door in tears, not able to move. That evening we were told to go outside an enjoy the rest of the beautiful weather. We ended up sitting by the loch in Lindean. We sat there talking, phoning people and admiring the view. The night was absolutely beautiful, the water was calm and the environment was quiet. A severe contrast to how we were feeling. I however still brought out my cameras. 

My mum and dad have never been one for showing public displays of affection but within this night, I was able to capture this rare moment. For the past year I've been loving taking photographs of hands intwined with one another but by far this is my favourite, it's the most connected I've felt to a photograph.

"Lets go for a walk around the Loch before we head back" Mum said. 

Mum and dad ended up walking together without me as I was trailing behind taking more photographs of the lovely night. 

As a family, we are small. We only have each other in the grand scheme of things. The next day Claire and Jamie travelled up from Caythorpe and London. The last time we were all together as a family was back in 2014. I can't remember exactly how many days they stayed for but within those days I haven't felt happier. Jamie somehow knows how to make me smile. One day we went out for a walk together down to the nearby cafe, just outside of our house, we came in contact with Helen and Norman, long time family friends. They tagged along with us. Jamie and I were trailing at the back giggling and taking photos of each other and our surroundings.

"It takes something serious to happen to get together" An on going joke but truthful quote.



Yesterday my mum got her results. I decided to stay at home as I felt I couldn't face seeing the woman again. I stayed in bed until I heard a knock at the door. Through the glazed glass my dad was looking downwards. I opened the door to see him and Claire red eyed. Dad and I ended up going through to the living room. He told me that this aren't looking good. I was told that my mum has cancer again, this time incurable. The tumour is rare, aggressive and spreading. 

I feel like everything is on the line just now
Im walking a tight rope, about to fall any moment
I don't know what to do
I don't know what to say 


A part of me is saying 

I don't want to do anything anymore
I can't do anything to change it 
I feel like I can't be happy
I don't feel free anymore
I'm scared for the future 
I'm scared to leave home again 
I'm scared how things will be
I'm not going to cope
I don't want to go back to Glasgow
Things will get worse
I'll not be able to pass my course 
I can't fend for myself feeling like this
I'm worried about my dad
He'll be lonely
I'll feel guilty being up in Glasgow 
My mum won't be able to see me grow up
graduate
hopefully have a family
be a grandparent
comfort me when I need her the most

Another part of me says

TAKE EVERYDAY AS IT COMES
EVEN EVER MINUTE, HALF HOUR, HOUR.. JUST STAY PRESENT!
THINGS ARE HARD
THINGS WILL GET HARDER
BUT
I AM STRONG 
WE ARE STRONG AS A FAMILY
EVENTUALLY THINGS WILL GET BETTER
PEOPLE ARE DOING THEIR BEST  
YOU'RE NOT ALONE 


Within this so far, I've learnt that nothing is certain, nothing in life is guaranteed

We think too much about the future and too little about the now

Appreciate everything, everything you have

There's always good within your life